Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
