Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
