god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
