There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i love accidental penises.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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