I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
