Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize