I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
