hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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