I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
