Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
