gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
