dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
