i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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