and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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