Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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