Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
