I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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