I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think I sprained my soul last night
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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