I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
