I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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