Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
