also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize