that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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