we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
