Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
