Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize