i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
