Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
