is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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