It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
40s are totally the cure
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
