if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
