i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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