Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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