I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
