I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
