i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
