I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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