'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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