I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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