so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
