the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
