Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize