my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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