Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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