I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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