I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
