If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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