i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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