Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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