I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
