What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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