How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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