i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
