Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
