I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
