i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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