shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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