he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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