I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
