Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
this hospital has no fireball
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize