If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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