I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
