upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
