i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
How external is "for external use only"?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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