Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
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