So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize