too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My bed smells like the plague
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
