You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
