I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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