Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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