How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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