I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
