ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
