i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
